For which path do you settle?

So, the discussion of having too much to blog about and too many ideas to share has completely dried up all the creative bones in my body. The creative knob in my brain has shriveled and there is no inspiration in sight. No offers up to the sacred altar of entertainment and pondering from me today. Although…whenever I find myself unable to write or too tongue-tied to fill quiet space, I always wonder if that's because I'm pre-editing myself. What you might call creative or expressive self-sabotage.

What is it that is stuck in the craw of my unconscious?

On some level I think it is relationships, but I guess it's always relationships. And not just dating but relationships of all sorts. For the next three weeks, I'm watching two kids that I nannied for about 10 years ago. And it always makes me reflect on the second most annoying question asked to singletons, "Don't you want kids?" This question is always fired about a tenth of a second after the THE most annoying question, "Don't you want to get married?" Now it's not really an issue of "wanting" is it?

Anyhoo, my response to both questions was always a knee jerk and emphatic "YES" before, but I think that's changing. Instead of thinking about how many I want or names, I find myself contemplating things like if I'm too old, or what would it do to my career and how they make the inside of your car soooo dirty and everything sticky! But, my CAREER--this scares me, when did this ever become a priority.

I feel like a pathetic anti-feminist to admit that I never thought I'd still be working full-time and not at least a part-time stay-at-home mom at my age. Yet, somehow I ended up on the career path and even own my own business. Most people would feel that earned them a gold star. Not me. Not one bit. When I went home to visit this summer it made my stomach turn to hear how proud of me people were—didn't they realize I'm succeeding at someone else's dream? Shouldn't they be as disappointed as I am? I never liked the childless, ambitious adults who were totally career focused. I always thought that there was something wrong with them—how could someone be so selfish and lead such a cold and empty life. But now, I think I'm becoming one of them. Heck, I think I AM one of them. I don't even know if I want to get married anymore. I think it takes a level of trust that I don't know if I have and that I am too old to learn.

But how do we end on these paths? I don't recall making a conscious decision along the way, but so many of my friends are in the same boat. When did I take the fork in the road that offers single-serving size bags of microwave popcorn, I don't even remember seeing it. Is this an unconscious martini-induced decision that is being made across our generation?

The generation plagued by divorce, single-parents and distrust. Or is everyone else actually really happy single?

I've read a lot about the new trends towards marrying later, and how the chronological norm is ever-evolving and that people are "nesting" later. But I don't buy it. I've seen them at Home Depot and the mall, there are people that do nest. Who are they? Did they settle like "settle"? Are they happy? Do you have to move from Boulder to Ohio, get married and come back?